Here’s the deal: I am ANGRY right now.  My entire life just angers me.  This is a new experience for me, as I have never been this persistently ANYTHING in my entire life.  I have been on an emotional roller coaster since I was four.  I don’t know how to be this constantly and frequently and deeply angry.  I have no idea.

And that pisses me off, too.  It’s pretty recursive and one of those exponential growth graphs that you swear have to collapse sometime, but  never do.  They just keep going until someone calls stop.

I don’t know how to call stop.

Now, I know this is a Bi-Polar thing.  I know that what I’m feeling is real and true and yet, at the same time, totally a function of my disease.  It’s not that the source material for these emotions is fake, but that the reaction to it–this absolutely out of control, stomach sitting hate–is not how I, Joie the human being, react.  This is how Joie the Bi-Polar robot reacts.  The fact that Joie the Bi-Polar robot and Joie the human being are the same person, think the same thoughts, and some how come to entirely different conclusions of how to react is something that still, to this day, baffles me.  Usually, I am on the same page with myself.  Usually, I don’t feel like there’s a Bi-Polar robot inside of me, riding on the whims of my brain chemistry and visceral reactions while my human side gets shoved into a corner to view but not participate.  This has been especially the case since I went off meds–I finally get to sync myself and not have this medicinal barrier preventing me from being my whole self.  So, when the barrier is created because of something I have yet to identify, it is all the more frustrating.  On medication, I had an excuse.  Off medication, I have only work to do.

And, I promise, I am working.  It’s just very slow going.  So, I will be angry for a while.  I will make bad decisions.  I will do my best to fight through it, to be Joie the human being.  But, in the mean time, I’m sorry if I snap or am rude.  Tell me, and I will do my best to fix the error.

In the mean time, happy five years no cutting to me.

Yippee skippy.