Perhaps this is three goals in one.  Perhaps it’s a quixotic goal that will just depress me during evaluations next year.  Perhaps I’m asking too much of myself.

Regardless, I should like to make the goal to spend next year ringing out the want, the care, and the sin.  I tired of inactive lust–which is really all want is, pride–care, and rationalization–excuses for sin.  It’s time to be more active in my desires, to give away my pride–which may mean being more active in therapy and admitting all is not perfect, which should lead to less rationalizations for my behavior.

As I said, this may be three goals shoved into one post, but I think they’re related.  All of them require more humility.  All of them require work, effort–things I’ve let myself relax in this year.  I’ve been so busy with busy-work, I’ve forgotten to busy myself with genuine self-improvement.  I’ve forgotten hoe to make mistakes and learn from them.  I’ve been so proud of the progress that is no medication that I have entirely ignored the regress.

Busy-work, perfectionism, indolence–these are symptoms of a damaged mind, specifically my damaged mind.  I have never been able to completely give them up.  I don’t suppose I ever will as there is no cure for my special brand of damage.  But I can make them better.  I have let much of my watchful care and work fester, atrophy, for the safer option of coping mechanisms.  I’ll admit, I hadn’t realized the extend of my regression because I had managed to avoid the coping techniques that were more obvious.  Flickering and flashing lights are easier to see than cracks in the foundation.

I know better than to look for the lights, and yet that is exactly what I did.  Faulty wiring is an easy solve, but a weak foundation is a serious danger.  This is not to say the obvious symptoms are enjoyable or preferable–they’re just easier to isolate and then deal with.

This is not to say I am unwell.  This is not intended to be an airing of dirty laundry.  My Bi-Polar is under control for now nand these faults are nothing but a life’s work to be done–I can always do better, even if I am at my healthiest.

This year, I intend to be better.  I intend to ring out these things that keep me away from my true self, my friends, and my God.  Instead, I will ring in my humble and steadfast efforts to meet them.


The title comes from this poem.