I don’t like silence.

It frightens me.  It makes me wish I could be anywhere else, anywhere else where there is noise and laughter and attention being paid to all but me.  Silence makes me feel bare and exposed.

So, I chatter.  Perhaps not the optimal solution, as the attention then, surely, focuses on me.  But, at least then I know it is mine–and there is noise again to distract me from those who may be attending to my words.  I have a reputation for being friendly to the point garrulous and I am afraid–when faced with silence–it is a reputation I deserve.

I don’t like myself very much when I am searching for words to continue a conversation that is only to fill the oppressive silence.  I know I come off–and, frankly, feel–as trivial, perhaps even witless or unintelligent.  I don’t mind the last two so much.  My siblings are much more witty than I, so I feel my reputations suffers no stain by that assumption, and I’ve learned that no matter how much I learn, there are those more able to absorb fact and better able to interpret it.  But I do mind being thought trivial.  I’ve spent so much of my life developing skills and learning difficult lessons.  I would hate to be so chatty and meaningless in my conduct as to construct a reputation that brands me as superficial.

So, I really must hate silence and, in honesty, hate the more my reaction to it.

My closest friends may wonder, for they have heard for years that I think the most perfect expression of friendship and attachment is silence.  And that is the truth of it.  But there is a difference between the silence of an empty room and the silence of friends.  The second is much harder to come by.  Even my best of friends and I cannot always manage it.  However, when we do, it is wonderful.  The companionable silence, as opposed to the oppressive, states with the warmth of a clarity that can only be achieved without any sort of noise that all are accepted as they are.

And so, today, I think I will celebrate silence.  The silence that my friends and I achieve together.  The silence that sings, so beautifully, without a sound.

Today, I feel the light of companionship.

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