I talk about a lot of things on this blog.  I’m very open about my faith, my disease, and my life as it happens.

I also don’t talk about a lot of things.  Some of them I have alluded to in the past, but never fully discussed.  Some I haven’t even TRIED to talk about because I recognize that once it’s on the internet, it’s forever public.

Today, and I don’t know why today and not some other day, I feel like one of those things I have alluded to deserves some discussion.  Three weeks ago in my Thanks to Thanksgiving post about being different and understanding, I wrote the line, “I am proud to be an abuse survivor.”  I deleted and rewrote that line three times, people.  I was so worried that I was somehow stepping across some line of appropriateness by talking about it on my blog.  It was the first time I could remember mentioning it and even though I’m open about it in my day to day life, some how the internet made it a scarier thing.

Obviously, I chose to include it.  It’s the truth–I am proud to be a survivor.  Furthermore, I believe in being open about abusive situations so that people can have the tools they need to recognize abusive situations.  I would like to talk about this more in depth here, so I thought I’d just give some basics of my history and where I am now.  This is not a woe-is-me post.  This is a so-you-know post.

  • I have been abused by four separate people (none of them family), all of whom were in positions that should have made them concerned about ensuring my personal well being.
  • All of these situations had a sexual component PLUS something else. (Don’t worry, I won’t be going into detail, but it’s an important detail nonetheless.)
  • Two of these situations happened when I was VERY young and so informed my adult relationships–which led to the other abusive situations.
  • The way I interact with people–emotionally and physically–is very much so informed by this part of my past.  Sometimes for the worse, sometimes for the better.
  • None of these cases were prosecuted–lack of evidence and he said/she said situations made it impossible in three of these situations.  In the fourth, my parents made the choice to seek alternative avenues of punishment and I am GRATEFUL for it.  It was exactly the right thing to do.
  • I am still putting the pieces back together from the aftermath of these situations.  Some days, almost all the pieces fit.  Other days, I barely have enough pieces put together to function.
  • I have learned so much about myself and what healthy relationships are that–while other methods of education would have been preferable–I cannot regret having been in these situations.
  • I forgive them all.

I promise, I will explain all of these as  time allows.  I’ll talk about who I was and who I am because of all this.  But I wanted you to know, more than anything, that this is something I have experienced.  This is something I am VEHEMENTLY against.  I have forgiven my abusers, but that does not excuse their actions, nor does it excuse those who do.  If you are in an abusive situation, let someone know who is willing to help you do the work to a) leave and b) heal.  Do not let it go on.  I will be here to help should you need it.  This is something I feel people need to know about me, but also be aware of in general.

Abuse is never okay.  It is always emotional so don’t feel bad for being a little broken.  It will not stop unless we do something about it and the first step is talking about it.

Welcome to the conversation.  Please join in.