Today is about the light of knowing you made the right choices, or the light of confidence.

First, let’s start with some pertinent lyrics from the song that gave us the title:

I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides which you see I have confidence in me . . .

. . . I have confidence in confidence alone
Besides which you see I have confidence in me!

I love this song.  Especially in the context of being confident in one’s choices.  I am AWESOME at second guessing myself.  Making decisions and then . . . well . . . gee . . . crap, the momentum is going now . . . that was probably a bad idea . . . AND ON AND ON AND ON.  Even when the decision is exactly the right thing.

Earlier this year, I was at a cross roads in two separate, distinct relationships.  I decided to leave both of them.  I was comfortable with the decisions I made because of it.  One of these friendships, I informed the other person that I was done because he needed to know that his actions towards me FINALLY had consequences.  The other friend, well, there would have been no point.  He has been told, several times over, that he needs to be more involved and trust people more and has stubbornly refused to internalize this.

I second guessed these decisions a lot, especially to call the first friend.  He had been told once that things weren’t good.  Was it going to help to say it a second time?  Was it really appropriate to call a friend to tell them you are now former friends?  Was I doing this just to get his attention?  So I thought about it.  And yes, it was going to help to say it the second time.  I had been, perhaps, too willing to let him off the hook the first time.  No, it wasn’t appropriate to call, but it WAS necessary, whether I liked it or not.  Also, it wasn’t for his attention.  I realized I was calling in anger, yes, but also in an attempt to make things final.  I had felt like the friendship was over for some time, but I needed the closure of saying it to him.

Well, as it happens, it did get his attention.  He really hadn’t known I was so hurt and angry–it did help to be told and he would not have known had I not made the call.  All my second guessing had been so wrong.  I was right to do what I had done.  He talked to me, and LISTENED, I think for the first time in years.  He listened to my reasons for having given up on our friendship and my logic behind it.  He responded.  He asked that we continue the conversation later and I agreed with no small amount of trepidation.  I genuinely did not think we could make our friendship work.  Fast forward to now and we’re still learning how to make our friendship work again.  Things are still tender.   But we would not be here now, on the road to being close friends once more, if I hadn’t made that call.  If I hadn’t had confidence in my decisions.

The other relationship?  Well, I was right.  It had fallen apart a long time ago.  We were keeping it alive out of obligation and regret.  And it is strange to know that he isn’t part of my life anymore.  The rhythm and pattern of my life has included him for so many years that–even though I am comfortable with my decision and its results–I still second guess myself sometimes.  It feels wrong for him to be gone.

But, and this is the fundamental difference between these two relationships and where they have (or haven’t) gone, it feels more wrong for him to stay.

So, when I second guess if I’m right for staying friends with friend one or not being friends with friend two, I remember these moments of pure clarity, when the light of confidence shines.  These moments of realization that the choices I have made have lead me to a life that feels less wrong.  And that, eventually, those choices will lead me to a life that is right.