Yesterday was not good.  I’m still getting over my cold (although, there is one bonus: tinnitus is WAY down from where it was earlier this week), I was at work, and–once again–one of the higher ups chose to believe that I screwed up, rather than trusting six years of dedicated (and fairly screw up free) work.  This means I took it out on some poor sod on the other end of the phone who made a simple, understandable, yet frustrating mistake.  Thankfully, I managed to conduct myself professionally with the customer.  I was less professional on Facebook (I might have to leave again–the negativity seems to be affecting me).  I regret that.

Sometimes, I’ve realized, I expect too much of the world (and I am included in that expectation).  I expect people to try to be better, stronger, smarter when a lot of the time (and, once again, I am included in this) it’s the best any of them can do to maintain the position they’re in.  I get frustrated when SIMPLE things are ignored, over-looked, or just not learned in the first place.  Then, I remember (sometimes my wonderful and far more patient roommate has to lovingly remind me): there are a lot of things that are SIMPLE for me that, frankly, aren’t for other people.  I’m smart.  Genius level smart.  It’s a fact that isn’t worth hiding, because it comes out on it’s own, even when I try to hold back.  That, combined with an insatiable desire to learn, just for the sake and fun of learning, makes a lot of things simple for me.  Other things, like hand-eye coordination, elude me.  No matter how much I practice.  I do not have a talent for such things and that bothers me, much more than I like to admit.

So I get frustrated.  With the world, with myself, and with anything that I cannot control.  And it’s got nothing to do with smartness and lack thereof.  It does have plenty to do with the second part of what makes me who I am: the recreational learning.  I can accept (now, I didn’t always) that not everyone has the capacity to be SMART.  Everyone has the capacity to be intelligent–and that’s where my frustration comes in.  Some people, because they are not and will never be SMART, refuse to be intelligent.  And when that happens, my teeth grind, I hyperventilate, and–more often than not–I rant.  It kills me to see people WASTE their brains.  It kills me to see myself doing it, and I know I do.  And yet, when I take a step back (more often than not prompted by my roommate), I realize that struggle to maintain the status quo.  It takes effort and work to stay in the same place and sometimes it takes all I’ve got to climb up that one step on the downward escalator so that I can stay in the same stupid place.  I cannot expect any different from anyone else.

That doesn’t mean I like it.  I take lack of ability very seriously–it is my job to improve my abilities and if I refuse to do it, I have no one to blame but myself.  The same goes for others.  The responsibility to be intelligent and able rests on the individual’s shoulder.  But expecting someone to be where I am–or better than I am–is silly and unfair.  Everyone progresses at their own rate.  Is the rate slower than I would hope?  Almost universally (and I am included in that).  But the rate is there.

And that’s what my expectation should be.  What I need to make it.  I need to expect to move marginally forward.  If that’s all I can do, if that’s all anyone can do, so be it.  If I can do better, then I best do better.  But I have no right to judge if someone else CAN do better.  I can hope they WILL, but I have no idea if they CAN.  And I most assuredly need to remember that in my interactions.

So, to that poor customer who has no idea of the ire raised or the judgement passed, I am sorry.  You are trying your best.  I am trying my best.  I fail more often than not, and cannot expect you to live up to a standard that I cannot live up to either.  I can only hope and try to help you do better as time goes by.  And hopefully, you can hold the same hope and help for me.

I know I need it.

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