Individual Requirements:

Item 1 ) The ability to answer the phone at those ungodly hours that I almost never call at.

Item 2 ) The ability to handle those “desperate for companionship” phone calls that end up happening once in a long while.

Item 3 ) The ability to just listen ’cause half the time, that’s all I need–especially late at night.

Item 4 ) The ability to give advice when I want it and to refrain when I don’t.

Item 5 ) The ability to slap me upside the head over the phone when I’m being a supreme idiot.

Item 6 ) Music of the soul.

Item 7 ) Silly.

Item 8 ) Tears.

Item 9 ) Laughter.

Item 10 ) Love.

Terms & Conditions:

Item 1 ) ANSWER THE PHONE!!! (even at two in the morning)  Reminder:  You have to keep the sound on to be able to do this.

Item 2 ) Don’t fall asleep 90% of the time.

Item 3 ) Sexual puns every so often.

Item 4 ) Count on me to do the same for you.


All these services in return, and a hug and a smile–a kiss on the cheek, a place to stay, and a solid lullaby, too–every time I see you in need of them, and sometimes just for the hell of it.


Contract subject to emendation by both signatories as needs change, and due to the fact that it is being drawn up at said ungodly hours.  The writer is bound to have missed something.


All parties interested, just pick up the phone.  I’ll answer.

Love you to bits and pieces,