I am never alone

Ugh.  Look how long that title is!  I am a hopeless idiot when it comes to filling my day, my life really.  I fill, fill, and fill.  There is no such thing as a down moment, because when I have one, I immediately find something else to fill it with.  While hardly an all inclusive list, that there represents the degrees (or minors attached to them) I am getting and honor societies that I am part of.  In fact, that last one just signed me up to be the creative mind behind the “science room” at the horror house we’re putting on.  There’s a reason my name means joy – horror is not something I’m so great at.  But, I’m part of Alpha Psi Omega (Theta Sigma chapter, woot!) and therefore, I am bound to help out.  Hopefully the inner chem geek will come out and shine here.  Hopefully.

Sometimes I wonder why I do this, realizing how frazzled I am and how many times I’ve been told I’m “obviously not handling everything very well in the past few weeks.” (The count is at five, in case you were wondering.)  Then I get some down time and one of two things happen: I sleep and nightmare about everything or I wallow.  Not saying that I naturally tend to self-absorbed wallowing and poking around the dark parts of my mind – or even that my mind is darker than the average person’s!  We’ve all got the “bad side of town” part of our brain.  But, my danger zone loves an empty room.  Gives it space to spread out and weigh me down.  That empty room becomes the embodiment of the neighborhood that I have no intention of visiting alone.  Let me tell you – it’s not the long list of “things to do” that mutates in my head daily that has me “obviously stressed,” it’s those moments of lonely quiet when all my fears come out.  I’m frazzled because so much can go wrong, because so much has been going right.

And so, I fill.  I fill my life with activities, associations, friends, family, events, and engagements.  I never give myself time to think about the paranoid fears that can fill a room, and I run around like a mad scientist – hair flying out of my ponytail and talking to myself, keeping myself company in those short moments of solitude.  And then, when I’m sure of myself and of everything going as well as it can, I plan my alone time.  I fill my room with excitement and endless things to do – movie marathons done the right way*, books to re-read, books to discover, glorious naps free of nightmares, internet searching about some fascinating new subject, and writing.  I fill my alone time with me and myself.  I am never alone.

So I suppose the title misrepresents.  It should state “of me.”  That is what this blog is, what I am, what all this can be!  Here is my battle cry: To enjoy every day, to make it come from me and be part of me.

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*The right way to do a movie marathon is to pick the next movie dependent upon who the actors are in the current movie.  You get bonus points for coming full circle, your last movie having an actor that was in the first movie.  Some of these marathons can quickly get pretty epic.

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